gemgemmx09

Everything wth this bloke is just getting more and more confusing. I don't think we communicate on how we feel at all but to be honest, I don't think he even cares about me anymore tbh, it's just going round and round in circles with pretty much the same issues, I want to say certain things but then I don't because I am afraid to say them in case he thinks I am some kinds freak that's trying to make us all serious or some idiot that moans all the time. That is not me. I think any woman that was experiencing the same things that have happened in the last week would feel the same,  but tonight has really done it for me, he cancelled on me saying "Come round if you wanna but tbh, house is gonna be packed." so that basically means, I don't wanna see you, right? Bearing in mind, he didn't even let me know this I had to text him first to even find out. I text him back after that and he hasn't bothered to reply again and he didn't offer to come and see me or anything, which at first I thought, oh maybe he has no money for petrol, but he'd even mentioned on Wednesday night that he had. Tonight and everything that's gone on in the past week, I can't handle it, I don't wanna walk into a stressful relationship, a relationship where I am expected to be messed about like I am at the moment, I've had enough that I can take of those over the past year and a half.  Think it's time to call this one a day, I've never been more confused and upset on a bloke I've only been seeing for a couple of months in my life. We're not even together, yet he's still managed to make me feel completely shitty about myself :(

Okay, so this is basically carrying on from the last blog which I posted, because I'm still seeing the same bloke I was in the last one. That silly little incident was resolved quick quickly and was a bit stupid of me to make such a fuss over in all honesty, but at the same time, it started a regular thing which has happened on a number of occasions since then, basically, I am not happy.There's been a number of times which he hasn't text me once at all for an odd day here and there which hasn't bothered me incredibly because I don't want someone to be texting with 24-7, because what have you really got left to talk about when you actually get together and see one another? I got over the whole, waiting for him to text me thing and started texting him first because I realised that he probably wouldn't have bothered to text me because of the reason that he then thought I wasn't bothered and it was wrong of me to expect him to text me first, not putting any effort in myself anyway. So in my opinion, along with a number of other things, I had begun to make it more clear that I was beginning to like him and I cared, as he has said time and time again that he feels the same way. Back to the story... Last week I think it was, I didn't hear from him for an entire week, just a couple (literally 2/3) texts here and there, which btw, was me texting first each time but he didn't really seem as if he wanted to talk to me when he did reply. So I left it and thought I would give him some breathing space, but after 4 days of no contact, I couldn't really stand it any longer, due to the simple fact that I cannot stand being messed about, as I'm sure any woman can't, but after taking a year of it from various men, I wasn't prepared to take it from someone which I had actually begun to care about. So I text him asking what the hell was going on, he replied saying he was really truly sorry, that he know's what he has done is wrong and that he knew I was busy at the weekend so he thought he'd give me some breathing space as well. He also said he really cares about me and that if it's upset me or hurt me, that was never what he intended to do, he was just a bit confused from the previous time we had seen each other. I understood. (although I would of preferred it if he would have text me saying he needed some breathing space for a while.. but I have learnt over time that men DO NOT think like that!) And I saw him again, everything was fine and to be honest, we were better than ever and I felt like we were beocming a proper couple. However, since the last time I saw him, about 6 days ago, I have heard nothing from him at all, I'm talking ZERO contact. I didn't want to contact him first because of the amount of times I've already done it but I'm gonna have to later because I can't stand this any longer. It's not like he's texting or talking to anyone else because when he texts or is checking facebook when I'm with him, he does it right infront of me and there's never anything from anyone but friends. I've written a long message to send to him a bit later, I'm hoping it makes sense and it's okay..."I hate that I've text you because I promised myself I wouldn't considering I have the past few times that we haven't spoken to one another, but I just wanted to see if you actually cared about me but yeah. I can't stand the whole not knowing what's going on thing anymore cause I really like you and if I'm being messed around I'd rather find out now than in however long this lasts. But basically, I don't think whatever we have between us is really working is it? "/ The last time I saw you I was happy because I had such a good night with you, but now I haven't heard anything from you for what, 5 days? I think we want different things from what I've noticed, or you want the same but just not with me. I needed to say all this cause it's how it seems from over the past 2 weeks maybe? And tbh, especially today, it's made me feel like shit. I hope you understand what I'm saying x"
Do I send it? What's going onnnnn?!?! I know it's likely no one will reply, but please comment if you want to, I'd be so grateful to hear opinions!

Right so, if you read the blog i posted earlier, (don't blame you if you didn't, it was just an update on my life! lol) Anyway, basically, i've been single for about a year and a half now after my previous relationship and over this period of time, I've spoken to and met up with a number of people. However, every one of them have all been wrong for me and not worked out for a number of reasons..

• I wasn't ready for a relationship, even though i tried and tried to convince myself i was
• Have been liars
• Have been just plain idiots
• Lived too far away
• Too clingy
• I've pushed them away for no reason other than my own insecurities

However, after a year and a half, I thought i'd found a decent guy which i was actually interested in for once, and after a few months of talking and what must of been thousands of texts, we decided to meet up on Valentine's day and go watch a film. I was nervous as anything as from what i've seen on pictures, he was my type, but what i'd class as out of my league, i'm far from being the best looking girl in the world. Anywayy, when i walked into the cinemas and walked up to him, the instant thought was, "JESUS CHRIST..HOTTIE." We went straight into the film and sat down, i'm glad we'd decided on this particular film as it was a comedy so i was able to laugh and the atmosphere didn't feel tense like a normal first date does. I noticed throughout the film he kept getting closer and slyly looked at me a couple of times. Instantly i thought, "great, he's looking thinking, what the hell am i doing here with this vile creature." But i ignored it and continued to watch the film and laugh along. My thoughts were wrong though, as at the end of the film he asked if i wanted to go for a quick drink at the pub opposite and of course i said yes. I had the most lovely time, we sat there and talked for over two hours about the most random things, just getting to know each other. He made me laugh.. a lot which i liked, and there were never any awkward silences, which is definitely a bonus. The whole time, he kept casually touch me, brushing his foot against mine or touch me on my leg. And at the end of the night we hugged goodbye and he held on to me for longer than i would normally expect and asked to see me again, of course, i said yes. I brought up the whole looking at me in the cinema thing cause it kinda confused me aha and his reply was "i don't know really, i just couldn't believe how pretty you were after the amount of times you had told me you were nothing special" ..Well obviously, that made my heart bloody melt! Anyway, the next day he text me and asked me if he could see me again that night and i said "well yes i could see you, but for me, it's too soon. i'm only just digesting the amazing time i had last night with you. i do have college work to do though as well. i'll definitely see you next week if that's okay?" and he said yes :)

So we've texted and talked over facebook and whatnot over the week all going so well, but he seemed a little off with me sunday night, i didn't want to annoy him and so i left it. Heard nothing from him all Monday. And nothing again all day today. It was driving me mad because i thought i might have done something seriously wrong to upset him, but my phone, being unreliable decided to delete all the numbers which i didn't have saved on my sim card, his being one so i couldn't text him to ask. Eventually i sent him a message over facebook explaining why i was speaking to him over there and not on the phone and asked if i'd done anything wrong. He replied with his phone number again and then said he thought i was pissed at him for some reason, the conversation carried on over text..

Me: "why did you think i was peed off with you?"
Him: "normally you're talkative :(" 
Me: "i am talkative! lol sorry if i wasn't sunday night but i could tell that you were busy cause it was me that had spoken to you first over the weekend and i didn't want to annoy you haha"
Him: " lmao you can never annoy me. well, you could but that's not like you haha. aww :( hope everythings ok x"
Me: "oh right, i just thought i had because i hadn't had a text from you or anything and i wanted to ask in case i'd done something wrong so i could apoligise. yeah everythings good thank you, hope everythings good with you. im glad your alright, i'll leave you to it now x"
Him: "noo i'm at home now, bored as usual :) talk? xxxx"
Me: "oh right, okay :) been up to much then? xx"
BLAHBLAHBLAH conversations boring for a couple of texts but he didn't seem amazingly talkative like he normally does. So it was still bugging me, i sent this..
Me: "if you thought i was pissed off with you, why didnt you just text me btw? i just presumed i'd done something really wrong or you'd got bored of me and was interested in somebody else because a friend had pointed out the whole number game thing on your profile and getting somebody's number (don't ask lol) anyway, that's why i left it, i'd be happy for you if you did but i wasnt at all pissed with you, i had no reason to be."
Him: "i dnoo :( sorrryyy xxxx"
notice he didn't deny or comment on the "somebody else" thing.
Me: "ok then. it's probably better if we just stay friends then? it doesn't matter aha there's no need to say sorry. i'll speak to you soon anyway x"
Him: "what do you mean? x"
Me: "about what? x"
Him: "being friends? :s
Me: "cause ino thats what we are now but im interested to find out what would happen if we met up more. but since last friday ive just felt like you don't wanna talk to me when i had spoken to you and then we havent spoken for pretty much two days. ive got the feeling thats all you wanted so i just thought i'd kinda make it easier for you i guess :/"
Him: "i'd like to see you more often. but you always seem busy :( and its cause you know i do a lot on the weekends, party and stuff. and i was with the lads yday so thats why ive been quiet. dont make it easy for me :("
i felt pretty bad after that :(
Me: "i'm not always busy. the reason i didn't see you a second time last week was cause it was too soon for me. i just said i wanted to see how things went and i do. the other day i said i'd see you this week but then we havent spoken have we so i just presumed you werent interested. i dont mean to make it difficult for you at all, im sorry if i have i would never mean to, i don't do the whole "playing hard to get" act, i just say it how it is normally. sorry :("
Him: "oh right. sorry i'm used to girls playing hard to get xxx"
Me: "i dont do that, im bored of it and it doesnt get anybody anywhere. im fed up of being played and messed around. sorry to disappoint :("
Him: "i'm glad you dont :) i'd rather have someone honest :) xxx"
Me: ":) good xx"
NOTHING. conversation ended and i take it he went out by his status on facebook. i don't understand what's going on. i do like him, i really do and i don't wanna be let down again this time when i've found someone i'm properly interested in. somebody help me? what do i do?!

Sorry it was so long but i needed to get this down and off my chest. If you just want to read then go ahead :) but please please please, help and advice would be much appreciated, i have never felt so comfortable with somebody. Have i pushed him away? What do i do!

I haven't been on here for a very long time, too long in fact as I completely lost all of my account info and all things changed since what was happening in my last post...

Well, my last post was me basically blabbering on about my ex-boyfriend..yes, EX.

It only took a few more months before the whole relationship blew up, and when i say blew up, i mean it! I hope I am never in such a situation again, the person I was with at the time became extremely controlling, he had to know where I was at all times and, most importantly, who i was with (obviouslynot bothered if i was with girls..if with boys, instant moodyness!) he also began to lie, a lot and for most of the time, i would find out because he would lie about the most ridiculous things. Then, the worst that anyone could experience in a relationship and I wouldn't wish the situation on anybody... cheating, it still gives me a small knot in my stomach now, but at the time i was so stupid, i'm ashamed to admit that i knew that he was cheating for two months and stood by him, did nothing, i asked if he was cheating on me on a number of occasions and he would always just go into a rage (something more i shall talk about) i suppose i hoped that soon, he might get bored of her and it would all go away.. it definitely didn't. He became spietful, is the only word i can use to describe it. If i said something which he saw as wrong or annoying, he'd come out with something like.. "shut up you fat cow" or "you do realise how lucky you are to still have me? look at yourself".  I always knew that he must have an anger problem because there had been a couple of occassions where i had become fearful of his temper and he would often lose his rag with the silliest of things, however i never dreamt of him losing his temper to the point where he would lash out, as he did to me on one occassion and the worst thing is, i STILL didn't bloody leave!! After all of this, i didn't even leave him until eventually he finished it himself. I'm still embaressed by it to this day, if i had truly opened my eyes, taken a step back and analysed the situation, i would have realised that he had changed into a person i didn't know and more importantly, i would have realised that actually, i didn't deserve it although he made me believe for a long time that i did.

I've been single for over a year now, and i went through a patch when i was really hating it, i've learnt to..cope now aha. All i know of him now is that he's still with the girl which he cheated on me with and lives with her in a council flat, he's shut out his family and i don't believe he sees many friends anymore. It wouldn't surprise me if she was pregnant soon. He's tried to contact me twice since we split, but thankfully, i ignored both. I don't know what else is going on with him, i only know the things i do because he was once friends with some of my friends. And in all honesty, i don't really care, i wish him the best with his gilfriend.

Anyway, as much of a dampner on this blog that whole block of info is, things improved, it took a long process, but things did improve. I'd say it took me almost a year to truly get over him, even though all of the things he did to me in the end, i didn't recognise those until about the last 3 months of the process and i was still craving all the good experiences i'd had with him. However, i managed to allow myself to become who i was again, i grew massively with confidence as, just after we broke up, i lost a tonne of weight and i was eating more healthily, making me feel better in myself anyway. Also, i began college, which i am continuing to do very well in, getting distinctions in every one of my units so far. I begun work in a local SEN school, as more of a classroom assistant than anything, but i do bloody everything! I enjoy it like nothing else and there's always a smile on my face when i'm working with the kids. Obviously, looking after and teaching young children for around 8 hours a day is tiring for anybody, but even moreso when there are 20 of them! I managed to build bridges again with the friends I cut off during the relationship and i've made many new friends in college as well so my social life is good, although I would really like to go out more.

Just a quick update! :)

Okay so i'm gonna give you some background first..Me & my boyfriend have been together for a year now. We met through other friends & at first, were friends together. He came out & about with me & my friends more frequently. I was really getting excited about him. He was like no other guy i'd met. He then one day asked for my mobile number. I was very interested to know him better, so i gave him my number. We spoke a lot & we had so much in common. He asked me to meet him many times. I wasnt so sure after all past relationships turning out bad etc so at first, i tried not to fall in too deep & i was reluctant. He held on & waited. I eventually thought, why not, its only a meeting. So i text him & asked him & he said yes. Our first meeting was really good....(blahblahblah, usual getting to know stuff. Then got together as boyf/girlf) ... we were really careful for the first few months, not once did either of us mention anything sexual, we didnt argue, we didnt even tend to disagree. He was so sweet, he treated me like a princess, he bought me cute little presents, flowers, told me he loved me constantly. After the first time we had sex, obviously we both came to realise this really was serious & we were both in love. Everything was still perfect, but the problem was (which i didnt realise was a problem at the time) we spent LOADS of time together. I mean, after about 5 & 1/2, 6 months of seeing him, i cut out my friends pretty much, i saw them once a week & that was occasionally. He was pretty much the same & we were still so in love. Disagreements, but we would make up very quick & they were never heated, full-blown arguments.

Then, this holiday came, 8 weeks of no college for him & the end of school for me until college in september. This is the longest that we have had the potential to spend with each other. Everything was fine & dandy for the first 2 weeks, we had a blast as usual. But then we had a little set-back that hit both of us pretty hard. My GP diagnosed me with depression, which i had never experienced before & he said was obvious to him as being a side affect of the brand of birth control pill i had been taking. So obviously, i changed pill. But then, me & my boyfriend started disagreeing more often...Basically, everything kind of... snowballed for me in my head. I have had a lot of worries recently, a lot of things that i need to sort out in my head & they've affected us, with me crying to him etc.

Then both him & us as a couple began changing. In the past 2/3 weeks i feel like i no longer know the person that he is. He doesnt seem bothered about me at all. He didnt want to spend time with me or help me to try to get through the depression. He had his own problems though, stressful ones which i understand completely. But the trouble is, it was & still is getting to the stage now where hes not at all bothered about seeing me or being in contact with me. I have spoken to him on numerous occasions about how i feel we have changed as a couple. He wants to be out with his friends constantly (to the point where he even asks what time i'll be leaving or going to bed so he can go out) & i can tell how happy he is when he's with them, he doesnt get that with me. Hes just totally changed.
We dont go out anywhere & he isnt all sweet & romantic anymore. He seems to think were fine & when i say he's changed, he just says, "But i don't understand how, no one else has said it. I still love you." But is it just 'habit' for him to say he loves me, or does he?

Just recently, i decided to take a step back. I looked back at my actions & i understood why he was getting further away from me. It was like i was desperate, I was chasing him, i was putting all my effort into the relationship & it just felt like he was taking me for granted cause at the end of the day, no matter how he acted, he knew i'd still be there. He's fed up of me i think. I broke down infront of my own dad, i told him everything & we had a long chat. It made it easier cause i knew he wasnt gonna tell me what i wanted to hear & i could get a male's perspective. The thing he said that stuck out to me was, "If he realy loves you, he'll chase you. No matter how he feels in himself, he'll come after you." So, i didnt text him, & he forwarded the same messages to me 4/5 times until he text me saying,
"What have i done? Why arent you texting me, you havent txt me back since late last night. Don't you want me anymore? What have i done? iloveyoulots x x"
This was completely different from texts he had been sending me previously, i could sense the annoyance with me in his past texts. So, i felt bad but i just text him back saying,
"I do want you. I'll ring you later iloveyoulots xx"
Then he started trying to make me feel bad which kinda worked so i text him just normal, not like i was eager to talk to him like i have been in the past. I got told by a girlfriend that if i back off, show i have independance, he should come running if he loves me. But he now hasn't text me for almost 7 hours. So, is it working? He was the last to text me, but i didnt text back cause it was just a pretty basic, "haha, iloveyoulots x" so the convo had kind of died, so i left it, thinking he'd text me later. Nothing.

I dont know what to do. I have this constant knot in my stomach. I love him so so much, my feelings havent changed at all, even if he doesnt show me any affection anymore. Am i expecting too much? Its hit me so hard, going from this person that tells me how much he loves me all the time, being so romantic & sweet, to this as we are now. Should i wait longer & carry on with the same, 'independance' thing? Help!